i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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