Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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