why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
