Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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