Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
