It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
