Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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