I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
