Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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