Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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