My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
