and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
