I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
