and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
