My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
