it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
This house was built for laser tag.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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