i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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