I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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