I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
