There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
