my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
