My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
