everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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