is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
