yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
