i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
