i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
