Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
