I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
