Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
