I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
