if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The Olympian is in my bed
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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