Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
