I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
