I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
