Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
