I hate all girls vehemently.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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