if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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