I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
