I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Are my feet made of real feet?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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