I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
