I CAN MOONWALK!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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