Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
