I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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