Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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