Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
