the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just invented taco cereal.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
