I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
