Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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