Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
