My liver just broke up with me...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
50% drunk capacity currently
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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