I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
