found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
