I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think my moral compass just broke
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