cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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