i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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