I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
