My first STD was from a foam party
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
