Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
